I remember the uproar on my Facebook feed when someone called attachment parents lazy. How dare they? Attachment parents give their undivided attention to their kids and sacrifice any kind of personal luxury. That’s what they think anyway… Well now that I have my own baby.. I have started to think that Attachment Parenting is the most selfish way to go about parenting. Examples: I would love to co-sleep with my baby. I miss him every second of the night he is asleep in his crib. I can’t wait for morning to come so I can hold him again. But I am not selfish and know that he needs space to form good sleep habits to be able to grow. And not to mention the risk of my smothering him in my sleep. But attachment parents seem to completely avoid that little tidbit. I would love to hold and feed and cuddle and run to his every whim just so I don’t have to hear him cry. But I’m not selfish because I know he needs to learn how to be content on his own and he will be happier for it. I would love to carry mu baby in a wrap all the time because he LOVES it and I love it because he is close to me. But I know that I would never be able to put him down if I did that.
Attachment parents believe they are giving so much by giving their little ones everything they need exactly when they need it. Well I think they are the selfish ones. It is way harder to actually teach lessons and raise a child than it is to just give into them. So damn hard. I want to give into him all day long. But then I would be creating a little monster.
3am. 3 poopy diapers, 2 spit ups, 2 feedings… Finally just putting him in his crib and walking out.. Not a good time to tell me to let him cry when I know you just don’t want to get out of bed…
I have been an avid hot yoga goer for a couple of years now. Now that the baby is here I still try to find time to go a couple times a week. It’s my “me time”. Also lets my husband have some time with the baby without me being readily available for him to ask for my help. (It usually takes about 30 seconds before he is asking me for something if I am home”. Tonight he said, “Don’t go. Stay home and we will cuddle as a family”. How could I resist? Especially with the very busy week we have coming. So we all got in bed. Next think I know he is working on a business proposal on the computer and I am rocking a fussy baby. Quality time I tell ya. And this is why I go to yoga…
I have been preparing to be a mother since I was probably 3. I always had a baby doll attached to my hip and I cared for it like it was real. I started nannying when I was 14 and have pretty much seen it all! I learned from parents’ mistakes and successes and knew exactly how I would raise my babies. Well now it is my turn and it is everything I hoped it would be. Having the freedom to make decision for my own baby has been exhilarating. And aside from a few tweakes here and there, I have been able to do everything just how I wanted to. But there is one thing I wasn’t prepared for and that is how much responsibility is placed on the mother in the very beginning. I know it will get better when the baby is older and able to do more things and not quite so dependent on me feeding him every two hours. And the whole reason I am on maternity leave is so I can be that constant. But no matter how hard my husband tries he just doesn’t have as big of a presence when it comes to taking care of our son. I find myself resenting him any time he leaves the house for anything other than work. I expect him to sit in the house and do nothing. Even if there is nothing he can do for us that very moment. Now how silly is that? So tonight we had a conversation and he asked me what I need. I told him that it is always an “I” or a “We” situation. Never a “you”. Even when he is helping out, I am right by his side helping him help me. It’s counterproductive and I never really do get a break. We like to do everything together. Always have. Even going to the grocery store is an event. But I am realizing that sometimes I just need to go to the grocery store by myself. It’s sad that we are giving up that part of us but I feel like our time together will be more enjoyable and not so clouded if I can get that little time by myself. I have to remove myself from the house and trust that my husband can hold down the fort. Which he is totally capable of.
My husband really is amazing. He loves me so much and actually knows how to show it. And the love he has for our son is so off the charts that he makes me look bad. I don’t know why I have such a hard time believing that he actually does love our baby. I guess you can call it daddy issues. My dad is a paths logical liar. Has always claimed to love me and love being a dad but only for that moment and then he moves on to something else. He is notorious for being to best father to my face and then talking about me behind my back. So when my husband says to me, “I just love this baby” I think to myself, do you really?? Or are you just saying that? But as I lay in bed nursing the baby I can here my husband in the kitchen talking to the dog and the compassion he has for a non human person is impeccable. So he must love us like he says he does.
Those four little words that make me see red and make me almost want to kill my husband… Word of advice to dads… When your wife asks you to do something related to the baby, you drop EVERYTHING that very moment and you do it. Yes, you have been working all day and yoi have things you would like to do when you get home. But your wife has had to strategically plan her potty breaks all day and really hasn’t enjoyed a meal in awhile. “Just put him down and walk away” you say. Well that is fine and most of the time I do. But would you like to eat your lunch with a screaming baby in the next room? Try doing with leaking breasts because your body thinks your baby is ready to eat. I’ll just finish that sandwich later…. Dont tell me, “just let me pee and then I will take the baby”. No. You take the baby and then you pee. I do it all day. “Just let me shower and then I’ll take the baby.” ” just let me go get the mail, water the grass, pick my nose, make a phone call, fart…” All things that can be done with the baby and your wife, my dear, has done it all day. So no… Not in a minute. Right now. Do it right now before I strangle you.
I have one of those husbands who really is great. Not just the “I say he’s great to others to make myself feel better” kind of great… But really truly amazing. When we had our son he became an even more amazing father. He is the guy who changes diapers, gets out of bed no matter the ungodly hour it is, goes to work every day and still gives us 100% when he comes home. He’s the guy who after I gave birth helped me change my bloody pads and refresh my ice packs all while telling me how beautiful I was. I am his number one priority. He is constantly putting out my fires and one step ahead of my Type A personality. But his one fault is that he loves me too much. He craves my attention and longs for the moments I touch him. And I’m not even talking about sexually (although he wouldn’t turn me down). He wilts like a flower when I don’t give him the attention he needs and I feel terrible about it but with a new baby in the house… It’s hard to think about anything else. Even when the baby is sleeping I am thinking about the moment he will wake up. I can’t help it. No matter how many times I try to explain this to him, he doesn’t get it. I try my hardest to give him what he needs but it so much work for me. I give 100% to the baby and then get so irritated when my husband gets home and wants my attention. He wants to tell me about his day but I want to go sit in the bedroom in silence. Being a mom is not that hard despite what everyone says. But to not have the responsibility for 5 minutes is a treasure. I shower every day. Most days the baby cries the whole time. But I shower. It would be nice not to have to listen to the baby cry while I shower. My husband doesn’t get this. I spend all morning cleaning because the OCD in me can’t sit down and eat until the house is clean. So at 2pm I make myself my first meal of the day and he calls. I give it my all for 5 minutes. Then I tell him the baby is sleeping so I’m going to eat. He says ok but then starts another story. Now I’m mad. Why don’t you get that time is precious and to eat a meal in silence is gold! I haven’t eaten all day but our son has eaten 3 times and will want to eat again in 30 minutes. But you want to tell me about the customer you just met. I’m sorry but I don’t have time for that! Like I said, he doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves better. But all I can do is try to be better every day and hope that I don’t completely kill him inside. I must water the plant that I married or it will wilt and die.
There is a difference between a breast feeding mom and a breast feeding advocate. I for example am a breast feeding mom. I just went with whatever worked for me and my baby. No pressure. I wasn’t sure if I would like it. Sure, I wanted him to have the nutrients and they say it is magical and everything… But I didn’t want to feel like crap if it didn’t work for us. And quite frankly, we can’t afford formula. So I gave it my best go. It works for us. The convenience of always having food for my baby is nice and when I know we are going to be somewhere I just pump a bottle and away we go. Occasionally I get stuck in a position where I have to nurse in public. This is how you breast feeding advocates have ruined breast feeding for me. Let me paint a picture. I find a quiet spot away from people, slealthily pull my shirt down and latch my baby. He eats while I cover us with either a burp cloth or my hand. Someone walks by and the look of disgust they give me almost physically hurts. But it’s not because they think the actual act is disgusting. It’s because you advocates have made such a stink about being able to breast feed in public and you think you can just whip it out anywhere that people think I’m one of you. “Oh she must be one of those moms who thinks it’s appropriate to show her boobs in public”. Well no, I’m not. I really just had to feed my baby before he lost his shit and we had a bigger problem to deal with. I assure you, you would rather me feed him. You see, you advocates have made it about something different. A women’s right to feed her baby without being ridiculed. Well guess what you made it worse. The scrutiny I get when someone catches a glance of me makes me want to not breast feed at all. There is nothing magical about people judging you because they think you are one of those extremists who are just bitching to bitch. Yes boobs are all over. Tv, magazines, movies. So we should be able to just whip it out in public right? Wrong. Breasts are a sexual thing. You got pregnant because your husband must have been somewhat physically attracted to you to want to procreate. My body is something private for my husband. Then my breasts are something private for my baby. But then they belong to my husband again when the baby is through with them. So why would I want the whole world seeing my breasts just because I think I should have a silly right to do so? That isn’t fair to my husband. “Breast is best”. Well guess what, my baby also takes a bottle just fine when I want him to and I get the same magical feeling feeding him out of a bottle as when I nurse him. It’s about a baby’s belly getting full and that is where the magic happens. I do not like to nurse in public. Simply because it makes other people more uncomfortable than it does me. But you breast feeding advocates have made it so unbearable for us breast feeding moms that we just want to give up. It’s hard to give your body to a human like a mother does for her baby. So can you all just shut up about it and let us do our thing in peace?